I’m going to be honest here, I just finished a different blog post which was then lost when my program crashed. The autosave wasn’t working. And I’m fighting a breakdown.
It’s not been a good day. My day job has been slowly eroding my enthusiasm and breaking down my resolve. Things keep going wrong. I’m sitting in the library with a haze of angst just out of arms reach, threatening to overtake me. Maybe it’s the fluorescent lighting or the other folks placidly tapping away on their keyboards, but I feel better for setting aside the lost writing and getting back to why I’m doing this in the first place–for the writing.
Just writing those last two paragraphs has given me more strength. I’m using my favorite stress techniques and thinking about the positive future I hope for. You never know what good things you’ll miss when you’re having a panic.
I often wish I had better advice for myself or anyone struggling to overcome panic and stress. I dislike oversimplifying complicated negative emotions, especially ones that can constitute disorders. I do not presume to have solutions for anyone, let alone myself. All I can do is share this post which I wrote while trying to ease my anxiety. It seems to have worked for a change. Perhaps the public forum is an aide for once? Darkness can’t stand up to daylight. Similarly, doing what you love (despite the panic and depression) might hijack your brain into a better space. I don’t know and that’s okay for now. Maybe I’ll handle the next hurdle better than this one–and someday I’ll rewrite that blog post.
Category: Personal
Historical Romance: Or, Kissing is Gross
Sweaty brows. Heaving chests. Lusty looks. Bodices testing the patience of the local seamstress. Not my bag, but I can’t blame anyone for liking what calls to them.
For as far back as I can remember, Historical Fiction has been my favorite everything (movie, books, et cetera). Historical? I’m there. Not historical? What is it then, some kind of art piece? It’ll never catch on. Even now when I read a contemporary piece I tend to place the setting and characters in the 1950s. That counts, right?
But Historical Romance never caught on with me. Only in adulthood have I realized how much of this genre focuses on romance, to the point of being synonymous in some crowds. I grew up in a conservative home in suburban Utah (I’ll let you fill in the blanks), but every summer I visited my aunt in Las Vegas who is an avid, voracious, insatiable reader of romance novels. She had an entire room of bookshelves brimming with busty ladies and polished abs. My family treated these novels like a shameful family secret, though. My dad called them “smut novels” and we were told never to open their pages or look at the beautiful, glossy covers. While these books (like all books) tantalized me, I followed my religious upbringing and never looked inside, thus perpetuating the shame and derision lobbied on these novels.
Now I’m a very grown-up adult woman of twenty-eight years and, after moving away to the big, sinful city (Salt Lake City), I objectively recognize the value these novels have. Female pleasure and desire is something to be praised and embraced, not ridiculed and mocked. Romance novels serve a needy market, desperate for content.
So why do I find them so boring and repulsive?
I find myself torn over the fate of my beloved genre. There is so much demand for romance, the market for any other historical novel seems niche. I can barely put a kissing scene in my writing, let alone a love scene. As I write, I navigate the baggage from my past telling me any degree of “heat” in a novel makes it sinful and should not be read under any circumstances; yet I recognize there is a constant demand for more kissing. Are my motivations grounded in personal taste or am I reflecting the “smut” ideology of my childhood?
A few months ago, I checked out an audiobook from the local library. A romance audiobook (gasp!) intended for a road trip. It was Georgian (check), about a deaf woman (check), and had lengthy descriptions of every character’s clothes (double check). I turned it off shortly after the prologue due to the gross historical inaccuracies, which were so upsetting they almost caused me to swerve into traffic. The only kissing scene I listened to was not “hot” by any definition–in fact, I found it viscerally disgusting. No, romance is not the genre for me, regardless of my background. Until the romance market balances the “heat” with the history, I cannot be a fan.*
That said, I admire anyone who can read as many novels as my aunt does. Countless numbers of books purchased, read, and stored with gorgeous covers to excite me for their potential, rather than their content.
*Note: If you are aware of a historically accurate (within reason) romance novel, send me a message on Twitter! I’d love to read something that proves me wrong here.
Forgotten Founders
Students and fluent speakers of ASL are well acquainted with the origins of ASL–it’s as ubiquitous as George Washington and that damned apocryphal apple tree. But how often do we think of those early students who laid the foundations of Deaf culture?
For the uninitiated, Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet, reverend and resident of Hartford, Connecticut, met his neighbor’s young daughter Alice Cogswell while she played. She had lost her hearing at a tender age and her tutoring had been less than successful. Gallaudet sat with Alice and taught her to write the word “hat” in the dirt.
Alice was an intelligent young lady who only needed the opportunity to learn in her native language. After a lengthy fundraising campaign, a very long stay in Europe, and with the invaluable help of a brilliant deaf Frenchman (future blog post topic), Gallaudet opened the Connecticut Asylum for the Deaf and Dumb (later the American School for the Deaf) in 1817.
In researching Cacophony, I read through hundreds of ASD student names and, even more humbling, their original compositions. Alice Cogswell may have been the first enrolled and the most famous of those early students, but each name rang true to me. I saw them enroll and graduate, I read the accounts of who paid for their schooling and their own words. They wrote on topics from the mundane to the fantastic, current events and history. As I read, I found myself highlighting half the page and calling my partner over to share their charming submissions.
The mystery of these students’ lives compelled me to write a novel about the average students at this extraordinary school at this exciting time in Deaf History—before the Oralists and their ilk took over, when a deaf person could exist as an individual worthy of respect, albeit far from equal.
I traveled to Hartford in September 2017 to continue my research. In practice, it was a pilgrimage to the people and places who inspire me most. In the Old North Cemetery of Hartford, Connecticut I stood before Alice’s impressive white marble headstone. Standing there on that hallowed ground, my awe was tempered by disappointment. Alice’s grave stands, a testament to a woman who died young after inspiring a revolution in education. But I had come to Old North Cemetery in search of a different young woman named Caroline Bedford, a girl of sixteen from New York who was the first student to pass away at ASD in 1824. After searching for hours, I concluded her grave had been lost to time (likely in the last century). Her classmates wrote of her funeral and the school mourned her loss. Reading their accounts, I could not help envisioning what it must have been like for Caroline and her classmates.
Caroline and the other students of ASD are just as important as Alice. They laid the groundwork for the Deaf Culture we know today, despite being almost (some entirely) lost to history. Their perseverance and spirit live on in the fabric of American Sign Language and Deaf History. Their experiences, while not the famous trans-Atlantic journey of Gallaudet and Clerc or the tender moment between Alice and Gallaudet, deserve the same degree of focus and importance. Yet Caroline’s burial place is now a blank field in the cemetery and every student of ASL knows the name Alice Cogswell.
I seek to honor every student at ASD through my writing. While Cacophony touches many facets, my inspiration will always be found in the lists of real people who lived at ASD and those who never left.
“Look! A man wearing a dress!” – Father’s Day story
When I was about 5 years old, my dad told the greatest dad joke. He’d be driving the family through our neighborhood and would say “Look! A man wearing a dress!” My siblings and I would look around and laugh with my dad. We loved when he would say this (it was like an absurd scavenger hunt) but my mother absolutely hated it. “Where? What are you talking about Tom?!” She actually got angry since she couldn’t see the man wearing a dress either. Since he would do this on a semi-regular basis to make us laugh, it became a problem with my mom and she ended up getting so angry as to forbid him saying it ever again.
I never really understood what was going on since I was so young, but I really missed the man wearing a dress joke. At one point, I thought the joke referenced a nearby business with a kilted man for a mascot. A few years ago, I asked my dad what the joke was.
“Oh! It wasn’t the sign,” he told me. “We had a family in the neighborhood with the last name ‘Manwaring’. When we would drive by their house, I’d point at their mailbox and say ‘Look, a Manwaring address!’”
I was too young to read at the time so it took 20 years to be in on his brilliant pun.
A Walk Through Salt Lake City
I’ve always been fascinated by old homes. More recently I’ve expanded this interest to how entire neighborhoods and cities evolve. Yesterday, I took a two hour walk through Salt Lake City, where I live.
I was walking on a sidewalk on an overpass when I saw an old home from the 1800s, now used as a construction company office. The bricks were Utah-brick orange and you could see the charm of the old farmhouse through the construction equipment on the front lawn. I wondered if they had neighbors where the freeway now was. I wondered who had lived there and what they would think of the city’s progress.
Continuing on, I entered some residential neighborhoods in South Salt Lake. A street with simple ramblers from the 1940’s – 1950’s had two contrasting houses I found fascinating. One house had decades-old green paint peeling off the wood siding. The house next door had a shiny SUV in the driveway and the sparkling polish of renovation just under the 50’s-style window awnings. Their bones were so similar, they were so close in proximity, yet so different. At the end of the road I saw newly-constructed three story townhouses.
I was almost at my destination. As I walked towards the older part of town, I went back in time again, this time to the first half of the 20th century. I cut through the parking lot of a Mission style school, now a library. It looked like it belonged in San Diego but here it is. Large Craftsman style mansions lined the road, some better cared for than others. As I walked, I tried my best to peel away the numerous 2nd story additions and layout changes to see what the house had been when it was built and what the street was like back then. It must have been a much quieter street than today. I passed another very old farmhouse by another freeway. Bed sheets covered the large bay window. It was beautiful.
I must have looked odd, leering at people’s houses. I didn’t care. There’s so many stories all around us and I think more people should take the time to read them in the walls and streets where they live. I’m not sure what my takeaway from this stroll through the neighborhoods of my city. At least I can say I have a new appreciation for the amount of diversity and change in relatively small geographic area.
When is a Project “Done”?
When I was in high school, I drew a portrait for an art assignment. I worked on that portrait for weeks. When I received the graded drawing, I was disappointed to see that I did not receive full points (gasp!) and should have increased the contrast for full effect. “A simple fix,” I thought. “I can do that this summer and proudly display it on my wall.” The project stayed in my to-do list for years. Thirteen years later, my wall is blank, the face is still missing an eye, and the contrast remains lacking.
This trend is nothing new for me. I’m currently re-sewing a kimono I made in 2008. I’ve even gone back and done slight edits in elementary school diary entries. For being obsessed with history and preserving documents in time, I rarely take my own advice. I like to think that I’m able to learn something from my past mistakes and am better creatively for trying to produce a product I can stand behind. Generally, if I was pleased with the product at the time it was created I let it be. But if I have regret about the outcome, nothing is sacred.
In college, I wrote a dreadful historical fiction short story for my senior thesis project. The story suffered from confused characters, non-existent themes, and shoddy research — among a host of other problems. When I thought back on every element of that short story that I wrote for my history degree, I was ashamed. I knew I could do better than that. My story deserved better than that. So after a few years I dragged it out, dusted it off and got to work again. Six years after the fact, that project became my debut novel, Cacophony.
As writers, we must look forward to the next project at some point. Progress demands new ideas, and staying mired in the same topic for decades is no way to develop your skills; however, I do find there is merit in taking things slowly and using your acquired knowledge to revive worthwhile ideas. Old projects should not be something you’re ashamed of–rather, they can be an opportunity to prove to everyone, including yourself, that you are capable of something better. If the idea is sound enough, it deserves to be presented in the best way.
In the end, if the idea moves me, I never let it truly die. It stays with me until I have the skills and ambition to do justice to the project. Sometimes, it stays a regret where I only learn from the experience… but if it needles at me long enough, I may pick it up and try to improve it. Either way, I learn from my not-quite-successes.
Introduction
I always knew about sign language. For never knowing any deaf people or seeing much sign language it was a peculiar standard to have. In fifth grade my best friend and I poured over an ASL dictionary learning words fifth graders love–fat, sex, and other taboos. My school reference book had the ASL alphabet on the inside cover. Without trying I could fingerspell and tell someone to go to hell.
Then came high school. My school had a strong ASL program… for no particular reason. Sure, there was the Deaf School downtown, but we were in the suburbs. No other school in the district had two teachers for such a niche language (we only had one German teacher and one French teacher). I’d never considered any other language with serious intentions. It was always going to be ASL.
Despite my history with the language, I had never explored the culture–I didn’t know there even was a culture. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that ASL is unique, beautiful, profound language with nuance and complexity beyond what any spoken language can capture. I had no idea that Deaf (with a capital “D”) people had their own fascinating culture and intricate history. I certainly didn’t expect to be studying and writing about Deaf history ten years later!
This website chronicles my current journey writing a novel about the origins of Deaf Culture in America. On this blog I will post current research and musings as well as my odd “flavor of the week” obsessions. So button up your spencers, grab your smelling salts, and remember your antihistamines, we’re going deep into the dusty, oft forgotten, pages of the past!